For Mom & Dad

Ok, I don't say much, especially when it comes to my feelings… At least, I don't think I do and I sure as hell don't say much to those outside my circle. I have to really care about someone before I tell them how I'm really feeling. Even then, not so much. So all this probably comes as a big surprise to most who know me. At least I think it will. See, I don't want to look back, hopefully many years from now, and wish I had said more. So I'm expressing myself in one of the mediums I've become skilled at over the years.

Mom and Dad, this website exists because of you. Because of the countless evenings spent around your kitchen table, cards in hand, stories flowing as freely as… well, for this family-friendly site, we'll just say "the tea"… ahem. You taught me that the best games aren't about winning, but the shared moments together. Even though I've been away for almost 30 years now, every time I see a deck of cards or deal out a hand, I'm back at that table with my mom and dad, dozens of aunts and uncles, cousins and friends. It amazes me just how many people you stuffed around that little old table over the years. It seemed so big when I was younger.

No matter how much trouble I found while I was out and about, you always loved me. I remember you saying, or some other variation, that no matter what trouble I found myself in, your love for me would never falter. You didn't always love the things I did as a kid, but you always loved me. I've always tried to take that same judgment-free love you taught me into my relationships as I grew. Lord knows I've failed to live up to what you've always shown me, and there are probably more than a few people in my wake who would be happy to point out just how terrible of a failure I have been at trying to show that same kind of love… But as I get older, I think I've been getting better at it. I think I'm getting close to figuring it out, and that's only because you've been a consistent example I can reference again and again.

Mom, I know how hard it was when we lost your dad. As hard as I felt it, I know it didn't come close to how hard it hit you. Then eleven years later we lost your mom, and from what I remember, your best friend. It's funny, people talk about the Patriarchy family model… I didn't grow up in one of those. It was most definitely a Matriarchy. At least it felt like that from my perspective. From my memory, it started with your mom. She was so strong, but soft and loving at the same time. Poppy, your dad, was gruff and tough. He had strong calloused hands in his prime. But he always said that your mom was in charge… At least that's the way I remember it. Now that doesn't mean the men in my family weren't strong because a woman was in charge. On the contrary, in a matriarchy the men need to be stronger, to live up to the ideals their strong women have for them. Mom, I know that when your mom died, in an unspoken way, everyone looked to you to take on her position as the new matriarch. It wasn't a role you wanted. I watched you fight against it in the beginning. I don't think it was because you weren't honoured when many saw you as the natural person to fill the void she left. No, I think it was because those shoes she left for you were just so big and impossible to fill. I can't imagine the weight of it. When all you must have wanted to do was mourn for what you lost… You should know, from what I saw and can still see, you have filled those shoes, and so much more. I know that she thinks so too.

Other times, when mom was being silly and joking around, you'd always quietly roll your eyes, but the little smile creeping to the corner of your face and the twinkle brightening in your eye always told me that you were so happy to have mom in your life, no matter how much she liked to tease you. Mom would often get us both. I remember when I was older, but not yet a man, Mom would playfully make a smack at me. Of course I took the bait and I'd smack her back, which was what she was hoping I'd do, just so she could cry out: "REG! Shannon hit me!" Every time I'd fall for it, just like every time you'd come running, ready to defend her. It wasn't because you ever thought I was capable of hurting mom. It was because you love her, and you're hard-wired to come running if and when she's in trouble, and that wiring overrides all your reason. I probably more than anyone know this, because I'm wired the same way. I got that from you. When anyone I care about needs help, without a thought, I come running. Like you, I show up. You show up even if you don't know what it is that you can do to help; you still show up. Sometimes it's just

Sorry, I couldn't help myself. It's that joker in me that I get from mom. Honestly, I'm a weird, at-odds set of human characteristics. Each characteristic from one of you, my mom and dad. In moments, I'm quiet and reliable like you, dad. In others, I'm loud, silly, and full of life like you, mom. When I think about it, I realize just how much of a weird contradiction I can be to the people around me, but whatever I am from moment to moment, I know the best parts of me are from both of you.

Thank you for leading the way, setting an example of what I should be, for keeping a seat open at the table, always having a warm and welcoming home, and most of all, holding up the door frame.

With all my love,
Shannon... The bad son!